Do you ever feel like you’re holding your breath? All the time? Holding in feelings, pushing away thoughts…too much to think about right now? We can admit to letting our feelings get a little out of control at times. Wait, what is out of control? I’ll put it another way. For me, I can feel things intensely. I actually like that. Was just telling a friend yesterday that I am happy I don’t lead a vanilla life. I would rather feel deeply than go through life on “medium”. Medium life events, medium relationships, medium movies, medium food, medium experiences…ho hum.
But I rant.
This same friend also said to me that this time of year many people get depressed. The holidays are over, a new year is ahead, the prospects might be dim. The prospects might be vanilla. Or the prospects might be pistachio ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top! Possibility thinker that I am I was really looking forward to 2013. I told all of my friends and family that 2013 will be great. Funny thing is, I meant it!
So if that’s the case, why this onset of weariness, sadness, a looming cloud hovering over my usual positive self? I’d blame it on menopause, but I know better. I’d blame it on some big tragedy that gives me a right, but there isn’t one. I’d blame it on lack of what matters in life, but I have a good life.
Then I got it! For the girl who says she loves change, there’s been some change in my life. It was planned. It is welcomed. I initiated it, welcomed it, and facilitated it. It’s here. My business, my personal life, my home life. After 3 years of working toward this plan for change, I’ve achieved it. Wow….good for me.
So why am I feeling weepy? Why am I feeling sort of lost and out of sorts? Where do these feelings come from?
Then it made sense. I was holding my breath. All this time, I was HOLDING MY BREATH! To make these goals happen, the first thing had to move to the right, making room for the second thing down the middle…and the third thing had to be manipulated to fit into the other pieces of the puzzle of my life. And so on. The intensity and the self created pressure of putting these things in place lived with me day and night, day and night for 3 years…really longer..maybe more like my whole life, who knows.
Beautiful Southern California sunset
Mission accomplished. Done. Dust off the seat of your pants. Stand up and wipe off your hands. Look up into the beautiful sky and see the day. Let out that final breath and breathe in the new. EXHALE. And if there’s tears that come with that exhale, let them flow. Those are tears of release, of congratulations, of appreciation for myself.
Exhale. Then breathe and begin again.